Thursday, July 30, 2009

In Depth Bio: Chet Sota

Chet Sota was conceived one dreary evening in Wisconsin during a repeat episode of American Bandstand.  His mother had no knowledge of the pregnancy until Chet was nearing puberty when she caught him rummaging through her unmentionables with the umbilical cord firmly attached.

Through his formative years he was quite the swarthy brute, feasting on Jack Daniels Sausage Link Patties and experimenting in free-form dog tossing.  He never had many friends, save his overly admiring uncle.  Nights when Chet would visit his uncle, the two would share a bed and recount their day while drinking Foxhorn wine and eating semi-warmed aerosol cheese on Wheat Thins.  Chet was able to work through many of his early hold ups in this way and in times of crises one can still find him curdled up with a can.

 Leaving the rustic cabin in which he was raised was very difficult for Chet. He would no longer experience the loving embrace from a man sharing his own bloodline.  Aside from his romantic life, Chet aspired to be great. He vowed to finish grammar school and pave the way for a lucrative career in stamp licking.  He soon discovered that stamp licking is reserved for volunteers and girl scouts.  But that wouldn’t deter our young Chet and he jumped right in and even earned a merit badge in both whittling and Wahatchee kinsmanship.

 Little Chet had never felt so good in his life.  He was on top of the world.  Twelve-year-old girls and their mothers alike looked upon him with great esteem.  The awards just kept rolling in.  When he turned roughly eighteen years old (no one knows his exact age for sure as his birth certificate gives only approximate dates) Chet applied for a position on the local school board.  He petitioned and walked from door to door in his Girl Scout uniform, replete with all his various awards, telling each resident that he was “very interested in their little boys and girls.”  As election night drew near, Chet couldn’t handle the stress and he fled town never to return again.

 Since a young age Chet has been scared of roads, both literally and metaphorically.  Settling in a town near the Mexican border, he sought refuge in the local RC factory.  Staying true to his kinsmanship badge he befriended each and every machine, bringing them juices and fresh meat late into the night, all while avoiding the employees. Chet felt close to his mechanical companions, he saw apart of himself in them (just his reflection).  One evening while urinating in his own drinking water, he noticed there was something wrong with a machine.  A batch of brown coloration had appeared near a sprocket.  Afraid and confused Chet took a fire ax to the machine.  He was banished from the plant and has never worked since.




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