Friday, August 14, 2009

In Depth Bio: Teen

Teen eats excessively and it clearly shows. His cheeks are so pudgy that sometimes his speech is obscured. This thrills Larry, however, as he assumes that Teen is bilingual. On days that Teen accompanies his father to DHS, Larry introduces him to people in line always concluding with “he eats everything in sight but I don’t know where he puts it!” Teen therefore assumes he’s quite skinny. So skinny that he brags about having the fastest metabolism in the greater Crystal Court complex. Often he challenges friends and families to metabolizing contests but sadly such a contest has never taken place.

One day during a particularly un-noteworthy summer when Teen was working as a life-guard for his neighborhood swimming pool, a well known admirer of juvenile flesh wandered to the pool intending to register some new accounts in the spank bank. Teen knew it was he who must rid the pool of this 2 strike felon. As Teen approached, the two locked eyes for the briefest of moments and the man took off. He was soon reprimanded for running when it was clearly too slippery to do so and his pool privileges were suspended for one day. Teen was given a medal for his “heroics” and was granted permission to use the pool during adult swim. He swims with impunity.

He hides gossip magazines beneath his section of bed and reads them aloud to the Wizard when the two occupy the house solely.

In Depth Bio: Maple

Maple is a 42 year old boy who couldn’t be more thrilled with life. He’s the only blond haired boy in the family and has, from a distance, what appear to be freckles. In actuality, they are burns from fry grease that his father flicked into his face to achieve the effect. He carries two dolls and is punished by Larry when their pretend sex appears too vigorous. Maple has wanted a swing his whole life but is so terrified by the thought of going backwards that he’s never dared get on one. Still, he likes the idea.

Each morning Maple takes the bus to the mall in preparation for his career as a vagrant. He has a leadership roll among the early morning retirees; a mish mash of elderly walkers that use the Mall for its ample light and CinnaBons. Sadly, around noon, the mall is overrun by a more territorial retirement group, and Maple’s crew is forced to relocate to a rival shopping center.

Sandy blond hair, an indented chest and grease burns are the trademark characteristics of this boy. He was a pre-me baby and his father makes him acknowledge it every morning before he’s allowed to have his warmed up, mixed up, chocolate milk.

In Depth Bio: Sergeant

Sergeant was conceived in the Bible belt. His mother, who had never before felt the touch of a man, requested artificial insemination so she could claim Sergeant had been of virgin birth. She was however shunned by her family and forced to fend for herself. She took shelter near a stream close to a fish hatchery and lived with her son eating freshly spawned rainbow trout and drinking polluted river water. Around his sixth thousandth day on earth he stood an imposing 5 foot six inches, head, shoulders, waist and ankles above his mother. He was officially the king of the stream.

He met Chet for the first time when they both coincidently wound up at the same Bar and Grill. They sat next to each other and denied the free upgrade from a sixteen ounce Icehouse to a twenty ouncer as an act of prudence. They immediately saw the resemblances in each other’s lats and shared reuniting tears over a Bloomin’ Onion. Chet wiped Sergeant’s mouth after every bite, and would have changed his newfound son’s diapers in an effort to make up lost time, but the changing table was too small.

Sergeant’s misguided attempts to reunite Chet and his mother came to a stand still when he received news that his Mother passed away after a bout of Lactose intolerance. Consumed with rage, Sergeant cursed dairy and sought to even the score. He collected what little money he had and vowed vengeance against all diary products, but specifically cheese. He would learn everything about cheese; taste, texture, what it was thinking, and when the moment was ripe he would strike. He planned to discover the cheeses’ weaknesses to use against them. Each and every goddamn one.

Chet’s senior by roughly 5 years, Sergeant is Chet’s legitimate child. He changed his name from Sergant at age twelve to the augmented E spelling; Sergeant, because he thought it seemed more continental. He enjoys a life of fancy. He ferments his own wine in an old bleach bottle under the kitchen sink and drinks roughly a capful every morning to “aid his movements.” He’s the learned one of the group, always ready with a sharp quip.

In Depth Bio: Najide Hasapeedapedalon

Najide, quite the budding philosopher, ponders often. He ponders long and hard, vast and deep. He builds and constructs and manufactures tiny little “thought cities” with very intricate infrastructures. He uses these as tools to analyze a world that just doesn’t make any sense. His father, on the border of a horrendous death laughs maniaclly and rarely wears pants; even if he’s outside, even if he’s cooking, even if he’s wearing a shirt. He’s never seen his mother and was told he emigrated from India by himself when he was a baby. His skin is like an ivory pillar. He lives with another family much like his in an apartment that is clearly too small.. Some of the other man’s sons are older than their father. Their ages are quite ambiguous even to themselves. This aligns with Larry’s recent order that the kids aren’t allowed to have Time in the house, that they must concur and promise not to pass through it or face being scalded with hot whole milk. Najide finds this a curious decree but can’t account for all the missing or added hours in his day.

He’s a young man (he thinks) scared, tired, and lost in a world of mystery and pantsless dads. Two dads.

He watches in awe of his family’s disregard for decency. “Why does everyone wear pants daddy?” A tear comes to his eye, then turning east, prays to Mecca for forgiveness. Must he, until his final resting day, live in this bizarre reality?