Monday, August 17, 2009

In Depth Bio: Barns

Barns is 6-11 years old and eats asparagus like it’s going out of style.  He’s a virulent youth and struts like he’s just been to the public swimming pool and barely peed in it.  He runs like a toddler on rollerskates and teaches kick-boxing at the local community center.  He drives a drop-top Geo Metro and wears a scarf that blows in the wind while he cruises for discarded meat behind New Seasons.

 He wears a mood ring that he received from Captain Planet at Universal Studios.  He can change the colors at will and can even make a strobe light effect.  Once, he pointed it at his potato salad before eating it and was in the bathroom for over three days gripping porcelain while the Wizard hijacked the conversation with his overly exaggerated story about turning two strippers into good citizens by pointing his swizzle stick at them.

 He’s not the most well liked person.  He once confronted a cheerleader and asked for full access to her pom-poms. She attacked him violently and is spending 8-12 in the United States Penitentiary.  Barnes must live his life under the radar.  The location of his residence cannot be revealed as requested by the U.S marshals.

 After school Barns works in the cafeteria watching over detention for the mentally disabled.  Misbehavior warrants a five-minute addition to time served and Barns is a stickler for the rules.  At least two nights a week he’s forced to sleep over at the school but relishes the time, using it to make paper claws which he sells to his peers for 5 cents a pop.

 He is the leading paper claw distributor in the tri-county area simply because he offers a quality product at bargain basement prices.  Barns’ claws bring in people from all over the state, some even come from out of state! His success has spawned a passion for weaponry.  He carries a crossbow at all times, along with a satchel of  “three ninjas” recipe pepper bombs. 

 He’s very involved in his studies.  He’s fluent in arithmetic and plays the bassoon for the local symphony.  He’s on suspension right now because the director caught him eating pretzels in his changing room when he clearly knew that it was the weekly salt boycott amongst the members.

 Being hard up for cash he must learn to live with what he’s got.  His bassoon, his pride and joy, is used more multiple purposes; doing the dishes, masturbation, tool, bow staff, long monocles etc. He even uses it as a pole vault to traverse from roof to roof in attempts to rid the world of evil.  Most nights he sits around a police scanner listening to patrolman make polish jokes. 

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