Teen eats excessively and it clearly shows. His cheeks are so pudgy that sometimes his speech is obscured. This thrills Larry, however, as he assumes that Teen is bilingual. On days that Teen accompanies his father to DHS, Larry introduces him to people in line always concluding with “he eats everything in sight but I don’t know where he puts it!” Teen therefore assumes he’s quite skinny. So skinny that he brags about having the fastest metabolism in the greater Crystal Court complex. Often he challenges friends and families to metabolizing contests but sadly such a contest has never taken place.
One day during a particularly un-noteworthy summer when Teen was working as a life-guard for his neighborhood swimming pool, a well known admirer of juvenile flesh wandered to the pool intending to register some new accounts in the spank bank. Teen knew it was he who must rid the pool of this 2 strike felon. As Teen approached, the two locked eyes for the briefest of moments and the man took off. He was soon reprimanded for running when it was clearly too slippery to do so and his pool privileges were suspended for one day. Teen was given a medal for his “heroics” and was granted permission to use the pool during adult swim. He swims with impunity.
He hides gossip magazines beneath his section of bed and reads them aloud to the Wizard when the two occupy the house solely.