Friday, August 14, 2009

In Depth Bio: Sergeant

Sergeant was conceived in the Bible belt. His mother, who had never before felt the touch of a man, requested artificial insemination so she could claim Sergeant had been of virgin birth. She was however shunned by her family and forced to fend for herself. She took shelter near a stream close to a fish hatchery and lived with her son eating freshly spawned rainbow trout and drinking polluted river water. Around his sixth thousandth day on earth he stood an imposing 5 foot six inches, head, shoulders, waist and ankles above his mother. He was officially the king of the stream.

He met Chet for the first time when they both coincidently wound up at the same Bar and Grill. They sat next to each other and denied the free upgrade from a sixteen ounce Icehouse to a twenty ouncer as an act of prudence. They immediately saw the resemblances in each other’s lats and shared reuniting tears over a Bloomin’ Onion. Chet wiped Sergeant’s mouth after every bite, and would have changed his newfound son’s diapers in an effort to make up lost time, but the changing table was too small.

Sergeant’s misguided attempts to reunite Chet and his mother came to a stand still when he received news that his Mother passed away after a bout of Lactose intolerance. Consumed with rage, Sergeant cursed dairy and sought to even the score. He collected what little money he had and vowed vengeance against all diary products, but specifically cheese. He would learn everything about cheese; taste, texture, what it was thinking, and when the moment was ripe he would strike. He planned to discover the cheeses’ weaknesses to use against them. Each and every goddamn one.

Chet’s senior by roughly 5 years, Sergeant is Chet’s legitimate child. He changed his name from Sergant at age twelve to the augmented E spelling; Sergeant, because he thought it seemed more continental. He enjoys a life of fancy. He ferments his own wine in an old bleach bottle under the kitchen sink and drinks roughly a capful every morning to “aid his movements.” He’s the learned one of the group, always ready with a sharp quip.

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